Are you guys keeping up with this season's The Biggest Loser?? I'll be honest, this is the first season where I've actually watched. I started watching probably mid way through. EVERYONE who knows me always tells me "Jeanie you remind me of that asian chick on The biggest loser!" And i say "Pshhh why? CUz we're both asian???" And they say "No, because she kicks ass and works soooo hard and kills it every time! Just like you" I actually take that as a compliment. =)
Growing up was not easy for me. I don't know when or how it started, but I guess i was always a "chunky" kid. I was always active, but I also loved to eat. I started cooking as early as I can remember at the age of 3. My grandmother watched me as a little kid while my mom worked and I remember always being in the kitchen with her helping her. I always used to cook with my mom too.
Kids are cruel. I grew up with that. You would think that by the time high school rolled around that those "kids" would grow up, but nope. I think it actually got worse. The relentless teasing, bullying, tormenting.....for what? All because I was overweight. But it didn't only come from kids at school. From my OWN family. You would think that your family would try to help you out, but I swear it's an asian culture thing or korean culture thing....they think that they are helping you if they cut you down and belittle you. I grew up with that. I thought that getting made fun of and being belittled was normal. I mean kids at school did it, hell, even my own family did it.
"I wish I had a beautiful daughter like the other mothers do."
"Look how skinny and beautiful your cousins are. WHy can't you be like them?"
"You will never be anything if you are fat. Only skinny people are beautiful and successful"
"I wish you were never born. I'd rather have no daughter then a fat ugly one."
Yeah. this is from my own family. On top of that I was getting bullied, and teased non stop at school. People even tried to pick physical fights with me. For what? Yeah, for being overweight. Oh yeah I got into physical fights, but the good thing is that I was also very strong. Every "fight" I got into I always usually ended up beating the crap out of whoever picked the fight with me. (Thank God for martial arts, lol). I have a lot of facebook friends who knew me back in the earlier days. As early as elementary school. Some know what I went through...hell, it was even some of you who put me through hell. In a way I thank you. Because of that I am who i am today. I think i am a very sincere, caring person. I would NEVER belittle someone or hurt someone that way (now unless you're one of those catty bishes who deserve it). lol.
Even today, watching and reading news reports about kids committing suicide because of bullying for being overweight, gay, "different"......that makes me very sad. If you are a teacher and you see these signs please do something about it. You would think that in today's society people would be more tolerant and accepting, but it's not that way.
Anyway, yeah like I said, growing up was not easy for me. I'll spare you all the details but what you read earlier just times it by 20 and yeah...that was my life. I even remember my mom just started hitting me for no reason and when I asked her why the hell she was hitting me she said "Because you're so fat and I'm disgusted!!!!" REALLY????? For the first 25 years of my life, I grew up thinking my mom and dad didn't love me. I felt like a failure to them. Here I had cousins getting married, getting in wonderful relationships etc. Even at one of my cousins weddings I had a family memeber tell me...."Jeanie, you would be getting married too if you weren't so fat." Wow!!!!
I guess that's another reason why I had so much problems putting down my wall. I thought I was never capable of being loved. I was told every day that no man will ever love me because I'm so disgusting. That was back then. Today, don't get me wrong, I have one of the BEST relationships with my parents and my family, but up until about 5 years ago......yeah, my life was hell. It took a lot of healing....we still are. But I'll be honest....the grace of God has a lot to do with it. God's love. Nothing is more powerful. I don't mean to get all religious on you guys. SOme of you don't beleive in God. But I do, and I'll say that it's God's love and grace that saved my life and began the healing process for me and my family. Most important, it taught me forgiveness. Just as we were/are forgiven for our sins, i had to learn to forgive...so that I can move on. And thus began my real journey. More to come in part 2 of my transformation process and Gold's gym, etc. =)
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